All my life, I've been trying to figure out what it means to "do the right thing." As a Coptic Orthodox Christian, you would think it would be simple - just follow the rules of your religion, and you'll be fine. Even if I were not one to question everything (which I am), it has not always been clear to me what it means to be Coptic Orthodox Christian, or who even makes the rules.
Let's not be so naive to say "God makes the rules." Anyone who likes a rule will tell you that God made the rule, and anyone who doesn't like a rule will say "God never said that." To speak for God is a presumption that should be reserved for the foolish or the divine, and you never know which one you're dealing with.
We all think we know the rules for a good boy or a good girl in the Coptic Orthodox Church: you do not have sex before marriage, and as soon as you get married you only have sex so you can make grandchildren and deacons, the prized possessions of any Coptic community. This is not complete nonsense, but it's hard to parse out what's the truth, what's the Truth, and what's the nonsense.
The truth is what we really believe as a community. The Truth is what God would want us to believe if we could truly discern the Mind of God. The nonsense is what happens when we allow culture to speak for God.
A community is defined by its members, and it can be any size. A recently immigrated Coptic family is a small community. Egypt is a large community. Each community will have a way of establishing and enforcing norms, which are often framed as both enforceable and unenforceable rules. These rules are not arbitrary, but they are a combination of existential realities and sociocultural preferences, both of which are key to forming a shared community identity.
An existential reality is a rule that you cannot change even if you try. It is a rule that God made that becomes clear to us as a rule through what I like to call spiritual physics. Just as there are physical laws of nature, there are spiritual laws of nature. Just as we can discern the law of gravity, we can discern the spiritual world that God created for us.
Sociocultural preferences will vary from one community to another. Depending on the size and complexity of the community, they can even vary within a community. We have Coptic Orthodox Christians who think it is "not Christian" to dance, get tattoos, or drink alcohol. Are these things inherently bad? If you dance provocatively, get a naughty tattoo, or drink irresponsibly then yes these things can become damaging to your body, soul, and spirit.
I understand there may be genuine confusion about what is an existential reality and what is a sociocultural preference; however, we must resist the temptation to declare something to be True, when all we mean is that we believe it to be true and have agreed together as a community that we will behave as if it were true. Unlike murder, which is universally recognized as morally wounding to the murderer, it is hard to make a strong case that sex outside of marriage is inherently evil.
Let's pause to take a deep breath and reread what we have said so far to be crystal clear that I have not said "It is ok to have sex outside of marriage." What I have said is that there are different reasons that we choose to do or not do things. We choose to wait for marriage as Coptic Orthodox Christians because this is the sociocultural norm that we have agreed upon as a community. This is as good a reason as any to do something.
Let's take a little detour and settle our frustrations by talking about diabetes for a few moments. We have many people in our community who struggle to control their blood sugars, and their success or failure in doing so relies on the rules that govern their diabetes management. These rules are not arbitrary, but they are a combination of existential realities and sociocultural norms that each individual uses to create a personal rule book to follow.
It is an existential reality that consuming carbohydrates elevates your blood sugars, some people have insulin deficiency/resistance that makes it impossible/harder for them to clear that sugar from their bloodstream, and consistently elevated sugars wreak havoc on all of your organs including your heart, your kidneys, and your brain.
It is a sociocultural norm that Egyptian people love to eat carbs. It is simply cruel to expect a human being to feel truly alive knowing that macarona bechamel exists, but you can't have any. There is a reason my good friend and colleague, Dr. Tamer Yacoub, is a very busy diabetes specialist in Fall River, MA. Most of the population near our medical practice is Portuguese and for some reason, it is typical for a Portuguese meal to be served with rice, bread, and potatoes.
A friend recently told me that one of the reasons he has trouble managing his diabetes is because he does not want to live longer at the expense of his happiness. His father lived to a ripe old age but at the cost of not being able to eat anything more than chicken and vegetables. My friend would rather eat whatever he wants and be happy than extend an unhappy life.
The tensions between our existential realities and our sociocultural norms are real. Biology tells us that we should eat healthy, and our culture tells us we are required to gain 30 pounds in the Holy 50 Days. We do not have to submit ourselves to a false choice between two extremes. Finding a balance requires an understanding of what is the right thing to do, and what would make us more or less likely to do the right thing.
We all have different proclivities and propensities. Our proclivities are the sources of dopamine that we are drawn to, and our propensities are the potential negative consequences that we are prone to facing. A person who has a proclivity to eat Nutella out of the jar and a family history of diabetes is in a risky place.
We only have partial control of our proclivities and we have little control of our propensities. The partial control we have of what gives us pleasure comes in the form of how well we are able to control our personal experience. Once we expose ourselves to a source of dopamine, it is impossible to un-know how it feels. Different people respond differently to the same exposure. One person's temptation is another's poison.
The goal is not to avoid all sources of dopamine. The goal is to be aware of which sources of dopamine are most appealing to us and which are the most dangerous for us. This awareness of our proclivities and propensities helps to inform us what rules we should put in place for ourselves to protect us from ourselves. I am not saying that nicotine, cocaine, and alcohol are not dangerous, but I am hoping people realize that sugar may be the most dangerous substance for the Coptic community.