Parenting is a humbling experience. You think you’re raising your kids, but in truth they are actually raising you. Every day is a new magical adventure … this is what my friend Ash calls it, and I pointed out that it’s so true because just like in the Wizard of Oz and The Chronicle of Narnia there’s good magic and bad magic 🤭. I don’t know if an emoji in line with text is super professional, but this isn’t exactly a Supreme Court document or a Papal Encyclical.

I digress. Forgive me. Back to our magical adventure of parenting, which can flip from even one moment to the next (one second to the next, really) from the good magic of “wow, this is so nice, the kids are so amazing and wonderful and inspiring and make me so glad to be alive” to the bad magic of “wait, what happened here, this is falling apart, why’s everyone so upset all of a sudden, what did I do wrong, how did I fail as a parent, and why did I do this to myself?”

Just like my semi-intentional, semi-successful, semi-clever use of an emoji above, we have distractions and surprises in our lives. Are these good? Are these bad? There are some things that are clearly good, and there are some things that are clearly bad, but the interesting thing about life is when the same thing can be good or bad depending on the circumstances.

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What makes something good or bad depends on several factors:

• Who decides? (The Eye of the Observer): Different people can perceive the same situation entirely differently based on their experiences, values, and needs.
• When is this happening? (Timing is Everything): The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing. What's helpful in one moment might be harmful in another.
• Where are we talking about? (Context Matters): Cultural, social, and environmental contexts can completely change how an action or behavior is interpreted and received.
• Why are you doing that? (Intentions Count): The motivation behind an action often influences its ultimate impact and how it's perceived by others.
• How did you do it? (Method Makes a Difference): The way something is done can be just as important as what is done.
• You had how much?! (Quantity Changes Quality): Many things that are beneficial in moderation become harmful in excess. Even too much water can be fatal if you get to the point of extreme hyponatremia.
• Who is this for? (Target Matters): What's good for one person or group might be detrimental to another.
• At What Cost (Trade-offs): Every action has consequences, and sometimes the price of something "good" might make it ultimately "bad." </aside>

While this is not a comprehensive list, it helps us to start thinking differently about decisions, especially if we are often thinking of them as strictly good or bad. So many times I have read about and experienced myself examples of something that seemed bad at the time, and turned out to be good in the long run … and vice versa.

How can we possibly make “the right decision” if it is impossible to truly distinguish good from bad?!

You can’t. You can claim to. You can appeal to authority, logic, popularity, or funding as your justification but someone else can use a different desired end (telos) to disagree with you. There is no such thing as “the right decision,” which is why “doing the right thing” is always a moving target. We cannot or at least should not be so rigid in our thinking to think that we always make the right decision - we can, however, strive to constantly make better decisions!

MAKING BETTER DECISIONS REQUIRES DIALECTICAL THINKING

You agree with me that you question your decisions. You agree that you wish that you could make better decisions. You disagree that dialectical thinking matters because you’ve never heard of it before, and if it really mattered you would have heard of it by now. Even if you have heard of it, you still don’t think it is as important as I am making it out to be. Challenge accepted.

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Dialectical thinking is the practice of understanding that opposing ideas can both be true

Rather than seeing situations in black-and-white "either/or" terms, this approach embraces the reality that many situations contain "both/and" elements. This mindset leads to more nuanced and effective decision-making by weighing multiple viewpoints. The formal definition of Dialectics (n.) is "A method of philosophical reasoning that explores ideas through three connected stages":

1. Thesis: The initial idea or proposition put forward
2. Antithesis: The opposing view or contradiction to the thesis
3. Synthesis: The integration of thesis and antithesis into a new, deeper understanding that encompasses both of the initial seemingly contradictory premises

Here is an example of dialectical thinking in the real world: Airlines and Hospitals

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Dialectical thinking is everything!

I know that is just a thesis that is easily contradicted by the antithesis that dialectical thinking doesn’t matter at all, followed by the synthesis that we need to be judicious and use dialectical thinking as an important tool in our analytical toolbox. I can live with that compromise.

Now we need to figure out when it is most helpful and how to apply it. I would say it is helpful any time we have a complex decision to make. Any time we know that we will fail if we go too far in one direction or another. Really? Any time? Yes. Any time.

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Holding Eggs

Think about the last time you wanted to make a difficult decision. You identified path A, which was a little too X, and path B, which was a little too Y. It was like holding a raw egg in your hand. If you held it too tight, you’d crush it into a yolky mess. If you didn’t hold it tight enough you’d drop it onto the ground into a yolky mess.

The key is to identify the fragility tolerance of your egg. Some eggs are more resilient than others. You can hold them tighter without worrying that they will break.

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Getting to Know Your Egg

I started this page with a lament on the challenges of parenting. This is as good an example as any to demonstrate that you can’t win, and if you’re trying to win you’re guaranteed to lose. What do I mean by that? Am I a fatalist who regrets having kids? Maybe sometimes, but those moments are few and far between. For the overwhelming majority of the time I am grateful not just for how great my kids are but also how much they have taught me.

At times I have been too tough on my kids, and other times I have been too easy on my kids. There are times they needed my grace and understanding, but instead I came down with a swift hammer of misplaced justice. There are other times they needed me to show up with firmness and guidance, but I was too tired and overextended to care enough about them to be the loving yet fair dad I strive to be.

If you ask my kids, I think they will agree with the previous paragraph, but I think they will also agree that it doesn’t matter. The point is not whether they are perfect or I am perfect, but that we love each other and continue to get to know how to help each other be the best possible version of ourselves (you can read more about this idea).

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This does not mean we can just do whatever we want as parents. We still need to try to have a balance between being too tough (crushing the egg) and being too easy (dropping the egg). Eventually the egg will hatch and be a chick that is much more resilient than the egg, but this will take time and patience for the parent and the egg.

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Examples of Dialectical Tensions